Yay, going home for a month before I have surgery. The Doctor's appointment went well. He was very optimistic. Everyone was so sweet, helpful, and caring. I really like the people at the Michiana Hematology and Oncology Center.


Surgery is scheduled for 3-2-15 at 8 AM.


Looking forward to going home. Not that I haven't loved being with my family. They are absolutely the best people on earth!


I also have the best friends in the world. The little notes, texts, messages, cards, phone calls are so encouraging. "We are thinking of you...praying for you...pulling for you..." How did I ever get so blessed?


Those of you who have said "call me anytime" just because I haven't called doesn't mean that I don't need you there. It is sometimes just a comfort to know that you are there!


It is still an unknown. Still questions. Still a bit unreal. But I know the one that has the answers and the one that has the reality and knows the unknown. So I trust and not stress.


I want that faith of a child. The kind that believes that Daddy will take care of the monsters under the bed.


I admit, I was so stressed yesterday, before I saw the Doctor, that my blood pressure was pretty high when they took it. I KNOW that God is in control, but sometimes my humanness trumps my spiritualality, and it takes a while to beat that puppy back into the kennel.


Well I know my Redeemer lives, I know my Redeemer lives, let all creation testify, Let this life in me cry, I know my Redeemer lives...

I am Blessed. God is good all the time!

This is not the way I thought I would start the new year. This is not the journey I wanted to take. It is certainly not one I wanted to drag my family through. But I don't have a choice, so here we go.


We knew this was a possibility, a probability, while we waited for the test results. Still it was a shock.


Cancer...such an ugly word. It is hard to say it out loud. I don't want to hide it but how do you tell someone?


"Hey I have cancer, please pray for me, pray for my family." Humbling...


I do want the prayers.
 I don't want the label.


 And you do get a label.
 I rebel against labels.
"All women are _______"
"All men are ________"
"All Christians are _______"
ETC...ETC...ETC...


We are individuals. Cancer victims are individuals. Like all women, all men, all Christians, we have similarities, but we have differences.


Some deal with it differently. Some the same.
 A dear friend wanted me to talk to someone they knew who survived cancer. It was a different kind, different circumstances. Not all cancers are the same. Yay that they survived, but I know their experiences were different than what mine will be.


We have gone through this before with our daughter. A different cancer, thyroid. She is well and cancer free, Praise God! But her life has changed forever.


Cancer divides time. Your life before, your life during, and God willing, your life after.


She is an amazing support. She understands my feelings. My feelings of unreasonable guilt for putting my family through this as if I had a choice. I know it isn't my fault, but the guilt is still there.


I understand the helpless feelings of my family because I have been there with her.


Although they may feel helpless, they are doing so much for me that I don't even have to think very hard. Such a beautiful rest for me.


They are making appointments for me, researching things on-line, working on finance parts, driving me around, and back and forth from their homes to my parents' home, calling their Dad to help him through this too.


Their prayers, their encouraging words, their love...I am truly blessed...but then...I knew that.

Not the man I married.

Wow, 40 years! As I look back over our life together, I see so many growth periods. Some of them, actually most of them, were painful. But without them we wouldn't be who we are now. I can see God's hand in it all. I wish I wouldn't have been so blind as to not see it then. It would have made it easier to take. I have learned to look for God's purpose in the chaos now. Part of the growth.
Although I wouldn't want to repeat them, I thank God for them. Because we hung on and didn't give up, we have a closeness now that gives a new meaning to "...and they will become one flesh." Genesis 2:24. Or as the marriage ceremony usually puts it as "and the two will become one."
Just to be clear, those painful growing moments were not all caused by us against each other. Most of them were caused by circumstances and others who thought they knew us and judged us because of lies, selfishness, hatred, misunderstandings, and the past. No he is not perfect, but neither am I.
One thing he has never done is lie to me. There has been times he didn't tell the whole truth at first. There are times I wish he would have lied, but he didn't. I love him for that.
I also look back at the things we have shared. The secrets between us that no one knows or will they ever know.  That is ours alone. He knows me better than anyone and I know him better that anyone. He has told me things that he had never told anyone about his past because he trusts me with his heart. And I trust him with mine.
He is the most compassionate, caring, unselfish, sacrificing man I know. Yes others sometime sees a rough, tough, gruff exterior. But that is just his defense mechanism. He is easily hurt by others snide remarks or rejection.
We have awesome kids. We can't take all the credit. Like all parents we have made mistakes. But everything we did was for their benefit. We were really just children ourselves, trying to raise children. But they knew they were loved. I hope now they know that they were and are loved unconditionally. Most kids do not realize that until they are adults.
We didn't send them to church, we TOOK them. He had shown them by example what a real Christian is. Not by doing everything right but by how he treated people. He showed respect to those who never deserved respect. He forgave others without being asked for forgiveness. He always lifted up the underdog, the unlovable, the untouchable.
He showed his children that real men cry. He is a big, strong, fearless man, yet he has cried unashamedly in public. He cried when he gave his daughter away in marriage, making everyone else cry. He cries watching "Its A Wonderful Life" almost every time. I love that about him. I love the tenderness of his heart.
The love he has for our grandchildren is amazing and they adore him right back.
He is humble, quiet, and strong.
His faith in Jesus is unshakable. It is personal and I love that about him.
Even though I loved the man I married I am glad he is not that man now...he is so much better.
Happy 40th Anniversary to my one true love on April 20, 2014.
.

As I excitedly get ready to be with my family for Christmas, I tell myself that I know the real meaning of Christmas. It is not about the presents. Although I am a gifter. If there were no holiday that promoted gift giving I would go broke giving presents all year long.
It is not about the decorations. Still I love seeing all the lights glimmering at this time of year.
It is not even about the Christmas Carols, which I listen to all year long.
I am thinking it is about friends and family celebrating the birth of Jesus.
Then I read an article in "Our Daily Bread" on Dec. 15th, in my morning devotions. It was titled "Canceled Christmas". It was about a couple that was unable to be with their family for Christmas because of weather related flight cancelations. They felt like their Christmas was canceled because they couldn't celebrate with their family.
They went to church that Sun. where their pastor spoke of Christmas expectations.. He said, "If our expectations for Christmas are gifts and time with family, we have set our expectations too low."
That really hit me. Yes we have always talked about how Jesus is "The reason for the Season." We read the Christmas story and sometimes sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.
Although we give gifts we always downplay their importance. But I have been putting the importance of being with my family ahead of "The Reason for the Season".
Could I actually celebrate His birth if for some reason I couldn't be with our family? Sobering thought.
Christmas needs to be celebrated as the beginning of the end.
It started with His birth and continued with His death and resurrection. Not to mention all of His teachings and loving examples.
All of that brought an end to our separation from God and the end of our deserved penalty for our sin, with our acceptance of  what Jesus has done for us and turning back to God the Father. We can now have a relationship with our Holy Father and the Son.
I pray that I stop having such low expectations for Christmas and put my heart where it should be and celebrate "The Beginning of The End"!

2012 is OVER!

I haven't been here for a while. I have been so busy. And when I wasn't, I was computerless. So with a new computer and a little time, I decided I would jot down a few things.

The biggest news since my last visit is I have a new granddaughter. My oldest daughter and her husband are in the process of bringing her home from China. I can't wait to meet her. I already have done the grandma thing and crocheted her a sweater.

The color is really more of a fuchsia. I am anxious to see it on her.

It had been a really tough end of  2012 for family and friends. Our dear friend Ron Trueblood was killed in a freak accident. Our brother-in-law died from heart failure less than 2  months later. Also and older man from our church in IN. passed away. There were also several friends that lost family members and parents. I pray for these people daily. I know that this first year without their loved ones will be the hardest. First birthdays, first anniversary, first Holidays... We have been there. You still miss them but it gets easier. There are days though that pop up out of our busy lives and remind us that they are gone and we cry. We miss them and are sad at what they are missing. But as finite minded humans we have it all wrong. When Those people died as forgiven Christians we are the ones that are missing out. They are happy and painless in a place that we cannot even begin to imagine. They get to see Jesus face to face! Why would we want them to come back to this mess of a world. The hate, corruption, the anti-God and anti-morality. Our concentration should be here on earth trying our hardest to convince our loved ones, that are still here, we want to see them in eternity with us.

Yes it is sad and lonely without those that have gone before but what a reunion we will have one day.  It is something to look forward to not to dread or weep over.

 

                These are just a few of the ones I pray for daily to be spending my eternity with!

                             No matter how much winter tries to hang on spring will come!

Wandering in the Wilderness

  Have you ever been in a classroom, as a child or teenager, that was so disruptive that the teacher gave extra homework to everyone? Even those that were minding their own business. You. Not fair!
  I wonder sometimes how some of the Israelites felt when they were told that they would have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years until the older generation was all dead. That is except for Joshua and Caleb. I think that there were probably others that had tried to obey God and were faithful. Even if there weren't, Joshua and Caleb had to wander around with the rest of them. So because of other peoples' sins or decisions they had to suffer the consequences.
  Sometimes I feel like I am wandering around in the wilderness. I don't think I am being punished. I just don't see any specifics of where I am going. I just keep going from one sand dune to another. When I get to the top of the dunes, I just see more sand. I keep asking God if I will get to go home. I don't mean my heavenly home. Although I have to admit that looks mighty good too. I mean where my heart is now. I am so far away that it feels like years since I have been home. I am missing so much. If I have to wait "40 years" or even just retirement I will miss spending enough time with the grandkids until they are old enough to be too busy, with their own families, to want to spend very much time with me. If I am still here what makes me think I could afford to visit very often on a fixed income. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I don't know that I would have found anything like it if we would have stayed in IN. I love my church family and the friendships I have made since I have moved here. Some days I don't know if it is worth being away from my family for all of that. I know that I am needed where I am. Maybe like the Children of Israel, I keep looking back at the security of Egypt and wonder why I can't be there. Or maybe I just can't wait to stop wandering and know where I am actually going.
  Faith is not easy. I do trust that God knows what He is doing. I am just one of those people that feel like they have to know what, when, and why. I need to make plans. I need to watch that clock or at least calender. Sigh...I hate that I am so impatient. I am enjoying the ride, really. I like new adventures. If I ever get in a rut I hope someone will just go ahead and fill it in for me and add a headstone.
  I am probably just being whiny because I miss my family so much. Only seeing them a couple times a year is just not doing it for me. My arms and lap feel so empty. I know I will be okay. Doesn't help that I have to spend so much time alone with my Sweetie gone on the road. But I am thankful for the job.
  God is teaching me a lot and I do need the alone time to get closer to Him. We all get so busy with life we miss that relationship a lot. It is why Jesus went into the wilderness alone. To get that close connection with the Father. We need to shut off all those distractions so we can hear what He has to tell us. I hope I am listening with both ears.

Sunday is coming.

A person would think that the larger your family is the less time you would be alone or at least talk to someone. We all have such busy lives, me included. We want to make that call, right that letter, email that person, but by the end of the day we are so tired and already planning what we will do tomorrow that we forget or promise ourselves we will do it tomorrow. I tried to make a point of calling my parents once a week or at least twice a month. I neglected that when the kids were still living at home. Too busy. I feel bad about that now and try hard to not let that happen again. My Mom NEVER calls me. But that is okay, I am the daughter and feel like it should be my obligation to keep that connection. I did always make sure that they knew what the kids were doing as far as sports, plays, concerts, church programs, etc. And I truly am greatful when I am kept in the loop even though I live to far away to go. Just knowing, makes me feel that I am still a part. I still would like to know how my grown children are doing too. I try the phone tag thing. Some will call back and others...well they must be too busy. I guess they don't realize that you never stop being their parent and long to hear their voices but don't want to be a bother. Too busy. I can tell that I am having a big pity party for myself. Being alone on Easter or just being alone is sometimes painful. But feeling like one is totally forgotten is even worse.
  How often do we get too busy to talk to God? After everything that He has done for us, how often do we talk to Him without needing something? Does He long for our communication? How lonly did Jesus feel when all His friends deserted when He needed them most. Then to be on the cross and to be forsaken by God Himself... Makes my lonliness so petty and minor. How can I even compare the two?
I know that God has a plan for me to be here. I always seem to grow more through adversity than through prosperity. Maybe my children and grandchildren have been my "idol" that I had put before God. I think we all have something that we struggle with putting before God. Jobs, family, home, possessions, entertainment, friends, etc.We need to be able to recognize it so we can change our worship.
So many things that I have gone through since I have moved away from my family have brought me to a place I never would have been had I stayed where I was. We need to stop being comfortable where we are and trust God to put us where we need to be to grow, mature, and be useful to Him. It needs to stop being about us and be all about Him. We can never repay the sacrifice that He willing gave. But we can show our love and gratitude by trusting and obeying. No matter how much time I have to spend alone, I know that I am where I am suppose to be. Trusting trusting trusting. Thank God for Friday cause Sunday is coming.