Wandering in the Wilderness

  Have you ever been in a classroom, as a child or teenager, that was so disruptive that the teacher gave extra homework to everyone? Even those that were minding their own business. You. Not fair!
  I wonder sometimes how some of the Israelites felt when they were told that they would have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years until the older generation was all dead. That is except for Joshua and Caleb. I think that there were probably others that had tried to obey God and were faithful. Even if there weren't, Joshua and Caleb had to wander around with the rest of them. So because of other peoples' sins or decisions they had to suffer the consequences.
  Sometimes I feel like I am wandering around in the wilderness. I don't think I am being punished. I just don't see any specifics of where I am going. I just keep going from one sand dune to another. When I get to the top of the dunes, I just see more sand. I keep asking God if I will get to go home. I don't mean my heavenly home. Although I have to admit that looks mighty good too. I mean where my heart is now. I am so far away that it feels like years since I have been home. I am missing so much. If I have to wait "40 years" or even just retirement I will miss spending enough time with the grandkids until they are old enough to be too busy, with their own families, to want to spend very much time with me. If I am still here what makes me think I could afford to visit very often on a fixed income. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I don't know that I would have found anything like it if we would have stayed in IN. I love my church family and the friendships I have made since I have moved here. Some days I don't know if it is worth being away from my family for all of that. I know that I am needed where I am. Maybe like the Children of Israel, I keep looking back at the security of Egypt and wonder why I can't be there. Or maybe I just can't wait to stop wandering and know where I am actually going.
  Faith is not easy. I do trust that God knows what He is doing. I am just one of those people that feel like they have to know what, when, and why. I need to make plans. I need to watch that clock or at least calender. Sigh...I hate that I am so impatient. I am enjoying the ride, really. I like new adventures. If I ever get in a rut I hope someone will just go ahead and fill it in for me and add a headstone.
  I am probably just being whiny because I miss my family so much. Only seeing them a couple times a year is just not doing it for me. My arms and lap feel so empty. I know I will be okay. Doesn't help that I have to spend so much time alone with my Sweetie gone on the road. But I am thankful for the job.
  God is teaching me a lot and I do need the alone time to get closer to Him. We all get so busy with life we miss that relationship a lot. It is why Jesus went into the wilderness alone. To get that close connection with the Father. We need to shut off all those distractions so we can hear what He has to tell us. I hope I am listening with both ears.

Sunday is coming.

A person would think that the larger your family is the less time you would be alone or at least talk to someone. We all have such busy lives, me included. We want to make that call, right that letter, email that person, but by the end of the day we are so tired and already planning what we will do tomorrow that we forget or promise ourselves we will do it tomorrow. I tried to make a point of calling my parents once a week or at least twice a month. I neglected that when the kids were still living at home. Too busy. I feel bad about that now and try hard to not let that happen again. My Mom NEVER calls me. But that is okay, I am the daughter and feel like it should be my obligation to keep that connection. I did always make sure that they knew what the kids were doing as far as sports, plays, concerts, church programs, etc. And I truly am greatful when I am kept in the loop even though I live to far away to go. Just knowing, makes me feel that I am still a part. I still would like to know how my grown children are doing too. I try the phone tag thing. Some will call back and others...well they must be too busy. I guess they don't realize that you never stop being their parent and long to hear their voices but don't want to be a bother. Too busy. I can tell that I am having a big pity party for myself. Being alone on Easter or just being alone is sometimes painful. But feeling like one is totally forgotten is even worse.
  How often do we get too busy to talk to God? After everything that He has done for us, how often do we talk to Him without needing something? Does He long for our communication? How lonly did Jesus feel when all His friends deserted when He needed them most. Then to be on the cross and to be forsaken by God Himself... Makes my lonliness so petty and minor. How can I even compare the two?
I know that God has a plan for me to be here. I always seem to grow more through adversity than through prosperity. Maybe my children and grandchildren have been my "idol" that I had put before God. I think we all have something that we struggle with putting before God. Jobs, family, home, possessions, entertainment, friends, etc.We need to be able to recognize it so we can change our worship.
So many things that I have gone through since I have moved away from my family have brought me to a place I never would have been had I stayed where I was. We need to stop being comfortable where we are and trust God to put us where we need to be to grow, mature, and be useful to Him. It needs to stop being about us and be all about Him. We can never repay the sacrifice that He willing gave. But we can show our love and gratitude by trusting and obeying. No matter how much time I have to spend alone, I know that I am where I am suppose to be. Trusting trusting trusting. Thank God for Friday cause Sunday is coming.

Privacy and Rights

With so much emphasis on our privacy, in America, because of fears of being scammed or our identities being stolen, etc. it really got me thinking how a lot of times our American rights and freedoms get in the way of our Christianity. Case in point...our privacy. I do know that we do have to protect ourselves from people who will take advantage of what we say on social medias. Finding out when we leave on vacations thus robbing our homes and so on. But are we too private? We tend to build a wall around ourselves so high that no one can see in. That way we can hide our faults, our flaws, our sins. We want people to like us, but we don't like ourselves at times. We feel guilty for the stupid, thoughtless, selfish, things that we do, say or think. If others KNEW what we are really like, they wouldn't like us. We give the appearance that it would be almost impossible for anyone to attain our perfection. Not one single person in the Bible, other than Jesus, was made out to be perfect! I believe God chose to show that on purpose. I believe He wanted to prove that it was impossible for anyone to be "good enough" to be holy. If we could, there would be no point in Jesus dying for our sins.
Then there is the idea of our rights. Yes we have rights in America that I cherish. But it stifles us spiritually. It makes us selfish and self-centered. We spend so much time and energy defending our rights that we neglect spreading God's good news that we can be forgiven and adopted by him. I will give up ALL my rights for that privilege!
I am not saying that we need to lay down and be trampled or allow others to be exploited without a fight. I am talking about more minor things. Being disrespected or defending our honor.
Someone said something today that offended me. My first reaction was to explain why I do what I do and why what they said was mean spirited and almost a slap in the face. I thought about blogging on that subject. As the day wore on, I realized that I would only be doing that out of justifying myself. I could possibly offend that person with my blog. I don't want to do that. I want Christ's love to flow through me not, what is my rights, or freedom of speech. When we concentrate on our rights we forget about others.
 I feel like I am rambling on and on. I want so much to impress, we as Christians need to take our walls down. When others can't reach us...we can't reach them either. There isn't anywhere in the Bible that says its okay to be private.

This world is not my home.

After getting word of a friend whose son was killed in a car accident this weekend, a flood of emotions have overcome me. It takes me back to a horrendous time in the life of our family. Back to when our granddaughter and daughter-in-law were killed in a car accident. Some things are distinct and some things are a blur.
I can see the police officers standing at our door, but I don't believe I could recognize those men today. I remember my son falling to his knees, my husband and younger son sobbing, but I don't remember crying. I remember crying a week or two later when I saw my granddaughter's hand-prints on the window where she liked to look outside. It was months before I could finally wash those precious prints off. I ached for my son, I ached for my daughters who were best friends of my daughter-in-law long before my son and her fell in love. I ached to hear my granddaughter say "I see you Grandma." every time I was watching her from behind a camera lens. She would have been 18 this week. I feel sad that I never really got to know my daughter-in-law very well because she was so shy. I know God has a plan for every thing that happens to his children. It is hard to let go and trust Him. For years I had been very fearful for the rest of my family. It is one of the biggest reasons I pray daily for their spiritual life, so that when the end comes we will be together forever in the presence of God. I have gotten better at trusting God to take care of my family, but I still have moments. My heart goes out to my friend and her family. God has a plan for them I know. And sometimes God sends blessings to ease those pains. Like the blessings of my son's remarriage and his precious children that have been added. God is good all the time. This world is NOT my home. Like the song says...'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops, what if Your healing comes through tears, and what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy. And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise.