Have you ever been in a classroom, as a child or teenager, that was so disruptive that the teacher gave extra homework to everyone? Even those that were minding their own business. You. Not fair!
I wonder sometimes how some of the Israelites felt when they were told that they would have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years until the older generation was all dead. That is except for Joshua and Caleb. I think that there were probably others that had tried to obey God and were faithful. Even if there weren't, Joshua and Caleb had to wander around with the rest of them. So because of other peoples' sins or decisions they had to suffer the consequences.
Sometimes I feel like I am wandering around in the wilderness. I don't think I am being punished. I just don't see any specifics of where I am going. I just keep going from one sand dune to another. When I get to the top of the dunes, I just see more sand. I keep asking God if I will get to go home. I don't mean my heavenly home. Although I have to admit that looks mighty good too. I mean where my heart is now. I am so far away that it feels like years since I have been home. I am missing so much. If I have to wait "40 years" or even just retirement I will miss spending enough time with the grandkids until they are old enough to be too busy, with their own families, to want to spend very much time with me. If I am still here what makes me think I could afford to visit very often on a fixed income. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I don't know that I would have found anything like it if we would have stayed in IN. I love my church family and the friendships I have made since I have moved here. Some days I don't know if it is worth being away from my family for all of that. I know that I am needed where I am. Maybe like the Children of Israel, I keep looking back at the security of Egypt and wonder why I can't be there. Or maybe I just can't wait to stop wandering and know where I am actually going.
Faith is not easy. I do trust that God knows what He is doing. I am just one of those people that feel like they have to know what, when, and why. I need to make plans. I need to watch that clock or at least calender. Sigh...I hate that I am so impatient. I am enjoying the ride, really. I like new adventures. If I ever get in a rut I hope someone will just go ahead and fill it in for me and add a headstone.
I am probably just being whiny because I miss my family so much. Only seeing them a couple times a year is just not doing it for me. My arms and lap feel so empty. I know I will be okay. Doesn't help that I have to spend so much time alone with my Sweetie gone on the road. But I am thankful for the job.
God is teaching me a lot and I do need the alone time to get closer to Him. We all get so busy with life we miss that relationship a lot. It is why Jesus went into the wilderness alone. To get that close connection with the Father. We need to shut off all those distractions so we can hear what He has to tell us. I hope I am listening with both ears.
